The Matzo Variations

Well, hello again….

....hasn't it been a long time?
As many of you will know, Mr Pie has been incommunicado for a while. (Communicado: A barrio on the outskirts of Bristol.) Obviously a lot of water has flown under, over, and all around my bridges in the last few months. I'll tell you some more in the specially extended bumper blether later.
At this point, before launching food at yer, I traditionally welcome new joiners. However, there're a gratifyingly robust amount of you - so I've stuck that bit in The Blether too.
So - the food bit. I'd meant to send this out in time for Pesach (that's Pasover, btw.) So, I'm late - sue me, already? Oi! Now, as you might have gathered, what with the surname Tarkadhal, I'm not actually jewish. However - Sgr. Gelli has - unkindly, in my opinion - pointed out the resemblance between my security pass photo and a certain Radio Rabbi ("Well, good morning James, good morning Sue, and good morning to you all!"). Also - inspired by a billboard add for a dotcom (haven't there been a lot of dotcom ads on the telly in the last couple of months?), I checked out the wonderful http://www.totallyjewish.com - home of the dancing rabbis ("Hassiiiiid!"). There I found this stuff. First catch your matzos. For those who don't know, they're pronounced "Motser". They're an unleavened passover bread, like a large, square water biscuit. Try any of the larger Safeways on the southside. For those that do know - Totallyjewish's Jewish joke of the day: This rabbi is sitting on a park bench, enjoying a pesach picnic, when a blind man sits next to him. It being the season of goodwill, the rabbi hands him a piece of matzo. The blind man runs his fingers over it and says "Who wrote this rubbish?"
However -
Crumbled matzah soaked in egg batter then fried is not just a traditional Pesach delicacy, it's a legend in its own lunchtime. There's more to matzah brei than meets the eye - underdone, well-done, Israeli matzah or Rakusen's - there's enough to kvetch about for at least eight days, especially if you try some of the following variations.
Matzah Brei a la Mode
Scrambled with coarse grain mustard, crème fraiche and cayenne.
Kick Ass Matzah Brei
With onion, garlic, green chilli, cherry tomatoes and parsley.

Matzah Brei Mamma MIA
With ricotta, basil and Parmesan.
Designer Matzah Brei
With artichoke hearts, garlic, parsley and Parmesan.
Matzah Brei Demis Roussos
With feta cheese, black olives, sundried tomatoes and mint.
(Allegedly) Marilyn Monroe, during her first date with Arthur Miller, eating Matzo Ball soup: "What kind of animal is a matzo, anyway?"
**** Bumper Edition of the Shite bit at the End ****
As promised, this bit has been specially extended (Oo er!). We;ve a lot of catching up to do.
Right - so who's deid?
Ian Drury, obviously. He weren't half a clever bastard. (lucky bleeder, lucky bleeder)
On the same day - DR Alex Comfort. After a series of strokes. (True! I swear!) I was surprised when I say his obituary photo. I was expecting a line drawing of a man with a beard.
Ofra Haza - famed Yemeni-Israeli disco songstress and oil drum percussionist. Some of you may remember her "IM nin'allu", sampled a good few years ago now by Zoe's husband, before he became slim. And fat. (I 'ad that Paul Heaton in the back of me cab, once).
Big up an massive respec' to them all.
Only, The Pie really must stop saying that, now that it's been popularised by Ali G.
Who's new then?
Hello to the Mother Hen. Possibly the coolest parent around (unfortunately, not mine.) She has Llamas outside the house, she can cook up a storm, has an attitude to her childrens' sexuality which should be a shining example to us all and is almost certainly the only full time home maker who can discuss Formal Methods with her partner when he comes home from a tiring day pushing forward the frontiers of technology and stopping aircraft falling out of the sky. Big up an' massive respec' Mother Hen! Comin' at ya inna DA Peasedown St. John h'area!
Now, I always maintained that The Pie was the best cook I know. With apologies to the Sleepwalking Wrist Slasher. I was wrong. Matthew - step forward. The SevernShed (http://www.severnshed.co.uk) has kept many people sane over the last six months of hell. Big up an' massive respec' to the Hoverbar Crew! And a bonus for Naomi!
Some Cousins. Who make balloons out of giraffes. Or, possibly, the other way around. Big up an' massive respec' to the Duntocher Crew.
A kind hearted woman who sits and drinks wine while we go to the cinema. Big up an' massive respec' to the Coatbridge Posse!
Someone who cuts hair. Big up an' massive respec' to the Sheriff Court Posse!
Submarine John. John knows everyone. Has a cool wife. Big up an' massive respec' to the Lake District posse. I 'ad that Denzel Washington in the back of me boat, once.
Next: So - guess who owns FlamingPie.co.uk? I got it for a fiver because the dotcom was already taken. I'll get it up and running just as soon as I get a minute (Busy, busy busy! Schlepping here, schlepping there! Enough, alraedy! Oi, oi, oi!), so you'll be able to share all my recipes and feast on my opinions, whenever you want, twentyfourseven. And I'll be hearing from The Apple Corps' lawyers soon.
What else?. Herr Yonson's guts have packed up, so he's finally "gone" veggie! (Big up an' massive respec'! Comin' at yer inna DA colon h'area!) Rather impertinently, he's started e-mailing me recipes for babaghanoush. As if I didn't already make the best BG known to humanity. It's even better than Matthew's. Big up an Massive respec' to the Sachsenhausen Posse!
Oh yeah. 'nother Jewish joke. You'll have heard this before, it being one of my favourites. There's this priest and a rabbi who find themselves sharing a compartment in a railway carriage. The journey's long, and they get talking about many matters of life and religion. Eventually, the priest says "Tell me, you presumably keep a kosher diet. But you're not going to tell me you've never tried bacon?" So the rabbi says "Fair does. I must admit that, in my youth I had the odd bacon butty." And the priest says "Did you like it?" So the rabbi says "Aye, it were no bad. Nice and crispy. A wee bit too salty for me, but. Tell me, though. You're a celibate priest. But you're not telling me you've never had sex?" The priest give him a knowing smirk and says "Well - lets just say I do have my outlets." And the rabbi says "It's a lot nicer than bacon, isn't it?"
Also: Grizzly bear goes into a bar. Says to the barman "I'd like a gin and ...........................tonic." Barman says "What's with the big pause?" Bear says "They're dead handy for catching salmon."
Politics: Overheard recently during a strenuous debate about that murdering bastard that set mantraps around his home, acquired an illegal firearm and used it to kill a teenage tearaway who as, I'm afraid many adolescents do before they grow out of it, was attempting to burgle him, then watched him bleed to death on his lawn while he continued to make breakfast. Lock him up and throw away the key I say. Hague, that is. Martin should be eligible for parole eventually. "Isn't it peculiar how some people think that opinions gleaned from a cursory reading of the Daily Telegraph should have more weight than the detailed deliberations of Twelve Men Good and True."
A moral dilemma: Tony Blair finds himself in a room with Saddam Hussein, Slododan Milosevic and Ken Livingstone. He has a loaded revolver, but only two bullets. What does he do?
Simple. He shoots Ken twice - just to be sure.
Sexuality: See that Brian Souter? Clearly a man in need of a damn good shagging.